A Tragic Tale With Consequences

Just after Christmas when the glow of lights and the sounds of joy rang throughout the Christian world, my friend suffered a great tragedy.  She lost both of her parents in a murder/suicide.  My friend was in fact on the phone with her mother when her father ended both of their lives.  He knew she was on the phone but saw it as...an uncomplicated witness to what happened next. They were in their 80's and my friend's mother suffered apparent dementia for many years. Her father, retired from a decorated military career, an avid outdoorsmen and gardener, checked himself out of a hospital against medical opinion, and acted with premeditated purpose.

My friend lives out of the country and her parents resided for many many years in the far west.  Being the only daughter, she was aware of the steady decline in her parents health and well-being, and had arranged to come and care for them. They lived active lives, both educated and well travelled. Their circumstances were comfortable enough to have well established community surrounding them. They had household staff and personal assistance.

I am not going to write about the sorrows of aging, or the wisdom of weapon control. I am not going to hint at the wisdom of holding loved ones as close as possible, nor the relationship of parents and their children.

What I do want to emphasize is that no one is immune to, or above horrific events.  We read the papers and watch the news on tv. We listen to the radio and hear people talk.  Still, no matter how educated, nor prepared we are to meet the day ahead, life will at times turn us upside down.

This story is being spun in media reports as...."A love story between a couple that lived together and died together. " A man who did not leave his ailing wife behind.

Hogwash.

There is nothing noble nor pretty about it. Love doesn't treat love so gracelessly. Love may suffer but never take care of the final act of life in a tabloid headline. Love endures, with patience and with strength to hold fast in the midst of the worst as well as the best.

My friend and her husband are in their 60's and disabled. She will probably never stop hearing the sounds of violence in her mind and never tell her family story without great sorrow and anxiety. She and her husband have many children and their children have children. Each one will claim this horror and carry it on until the generations disappear.

This is a pure tragedy with no redeeming qualities. There is no financial gain that will cushion the blow, and no one will sit around the Thanksgiving table extolling the lives of these ancestors. 

I tell this story because it could have been my own.  My father, told me from the time I was a child that this is the way he and my mother planned to end their lives, according to him, 'when it was no longer worth it."

WORTH IT? Worth....wurth...woorth...There is no way to write that here without spitting it out and saying, that we are not the best judges of when to end our own existence. The gift of life carries the price of living it to it's conclusion. We don't take life into our own hands. It is not for us to decide. That dishonors all the people who fight to live. The survivors of the worst are the best judges of what really is worth it. We are amateurs no matter our experience level, and, you just never know who besides yourself will be sorrowed.

I cared for my parents, in my home until they took their last breath.  It brought out the best and worst in me and I am a better person for it.  It was a great gift given to me by my parents.  A greater gift as I live on, and my children live on.  It is a story I can tell and retell. 

In the writing and publishing of this piece, I couldn't help but expose the reader to a sorrow beyond the act committed.  Maybe someone is thinking that it's not worth it. Trust me. It is.  Please, if ever you experience thoughts of weakness, helplessness or harmful intent...do not choose to act on it.  Promise to this page right now, that you will live as best as you can, for as long as you are meant to,  no matter what. Thank you.

Gratefully,

Mary